Marriage in India is considered one of the most important moments for an Indian family. It is an auspicious occasion, a celebratory event, and a proud moment to cherish for family and friends alike. It is bigger or equivalent to buying your first home, the birth of your first child, or getting your first job. Like saving for your kid's college tuition, parents in India save for their children's weddings as well. Surprised right?
In India, parents consider it their responsibility to ensure they provide the best education to their kids and get them married when the time comes. Good quality education is the number one goal of Indian parents who might toil day and night to make ends meet but never compromise on the quality of education. The second biggest goal for an Indian parent is to see their child get married with as much fanfare as possible. Indian parents believe that if you are well-educated and happily married, everything else automatically falls into place. They literally put their life savings into their children's education and marriage expenses.
ARRANGED OR LOVE MARRIAGE
For people outside India, an arranged marriage might come as a surprise. Is this really a thing? Let me give you some context. Traditionally, marriages in India have been arranged and continue to do so. The parents choose a suitable bride or groom for their child. The families from both sides meet and if they feel they are compatible with each other meaning their values, principles, and social status aligns, then they introduce the kids to meet each other. If all goes well, then a wedding date is decided but only after consulting a priest. A priest is an extremely important character in this whole drama. A priest has to make sure that the bride and groom will be compatible with each other based on their birth dates, numerological charts, and their zodiac signs.
ARRANGED MARRIAGES IN OLDER TIMES
Up until my parent's time, the children didn't have a say in their own weddings. If the families were happy and satisfied, the children were informed that soon they will be married to each other. My mother and father both were shown just a picture of each other a few days before they got married. My grandfather and grandmother weren't even that lucky. They married each other without even looking at the picture. The parents saw the pictures and that was enough at that time. It might sound cruel but you can't argue with the fact that the marriages in those times were some of the most successful marriages ever. The two strangers who suddenly got married fell in love with each over a period of time, stuck with each other in good times and bad, supported each other, struggled, overcame, succeeded in personal and professional life, and raised well-educated and successful members of our society. Divorce was unheard of at that time and parents instilled a strong willpower in their kids, taught them that they get married only once and that they have to make it work, no matter what. Directly or indirectly, this forced the children to come out of their comfort zone and instilled a never-give-up attitude in them that subsequently helped them achieve success in other areas of life. If you can make a marriage work with a stranger, you can endure any job, hardship, or obstacle in life and achieve success.
ARRANGED MARRIAGES IN THE PRESENT TIME
Well, things are more lenient at present. You can argue that people are more open-minded. Due to globalization, people are not restricted to their own society or culture. They can travel across borders and learn about different cultures and relate to them. Thus, in arranged marriages these days, parents meet and after their interests are aligned, they introduce the children to each other. This is the dating/wooing period for many Indian kids during which the children are given freedom (to some extent) to get to know each other and like each other. All this while, parents are secretly hoping that the kids will fall in love and the parents will soon become in-laws. This certainly doesn't mean that Indian kids are incapable of finding a suitable match for themselves without their parent's assistance. Most Indian kids believe that their parents know what's best for them better than themselves. After all, their parents married in a similar fashion and survived a successful marriage and provided excellent education to them. An Indian kid is raised so selflessly by their parent that a parent is next only to God in an Indian kid's eyes. Moreover, since they received an excellent education, they are busy with their careers and professional growth, which leaves little to no time to play the dating game. Most Indian kids are hyperfocused on professional growth and believe that dating multiple partners and going through the process of heartbreak multiple times in the hope of finding your true soulmate is just too exhausting, mentally, physically, and emotionally, thus they leave this task to their parents who, they believe, are more than capable to find a true soulmate for them while they build their wealth and wisdom.
LOVE MARRIAGES
You must have realized by now that Indian parents have a huge saying in their children's weddings. Indian weddings rarely happen without the parent's blessings. Unlike in the West, where kids might or might not invite their own parents to their weddings, provided they are on speaking terms and don't have to book an appointment to see each other. However, this does not mean that all marriages in India are arranged. More often than not, the younger generation (including yours truly) has chosen the partner that they want to marry with and then seek their parent's blessings. It might be your high school crush, your college sweetheart, your partner-in-crime at your workplace, or a common friend, but more and more Indian kids are choosing who they want as their life partner and then seeking their parent's blessings. However, like Bollywood movies, not all stories have a happy ending. Sometimes, parents refuse to accept their kid's choice of life partner for reasons beyond the scope of this article. In that case, the kids usually try to convince their parents until they relent or choose a different life partner of their choice or their parent's choice. Again this might sound cruel but it is an easy choice for an Indian kid to make to choose between a person who they might have known for a few months or their parents who have sacrificed a lot to provide the best possible upbringing to them and make them what they are today. Unlike in the West, where kids might just announce one day to their folks that they are getting married to someone.
I met my wife in Baltimore, MD through common friends. My wife is from Brazil and initially, my parents were a little apprehensive to accept our relationship. But with a little convincing and after meeting my wife, they quickly realized that she was the perfect life partner for me and gave us their blessings. We got married in India in a traditional setting in the presence of families and friends from both sides. We have been married for 7 years now and my parents are happier than ever to see us both blossom together as a couple and a family.
INDIAN WEDDING TRADITIONS AND RITUALS
An Indian wedding is like a festival that can continue for multiple days. There are various religious and festive rituals that can last from two days to a week. It all depends on how much time the couple/family has available and how much money they want to invest. Our wedding took place in New Delhi, the capital of India, over the course of three days of religious rituals and celebrations. More recently, some families have been opting for the "Destination Wedding," where they choose a tourist destination, such as a beach, or an exotic location, and perform the wedding there. Generally, these weddings last for 2-3 days depending on the budget.
PRE-WEDDING RITUALS-: ROKA, MEHENDI, COCKTAILS, HALDI
Day 1 - Roka
The Roka ritual is considered to be the engagement ceremony for Indian families. It is when the groom's and bride's families formally announce the relationship between both families and exchange engagement rings. From this moment, the commitment between the couple and the families is sealed. The Roka ritual can take place a few months before the actual wedding or on the first day of the wedding festivities. This ritual is usually a private affair with only close family members present. Gifts are exchanged between the family members and food and drinks are served.
Day 2 - Mehendi and Cocktail
Mehendi is usually the first ritual of the Indian wedding festivities. The bride, groom, and wedding guests (usually only women) get henna tattoos on their hands and feet or both. The henna tattoo is made by professionals specialized in this field with various designs such as flowers and mandalas. The henna tattoo is considered a beauty enhancer for women. Generally, the bride has her hands and arms tattooed up to the elbow, and her feet and legs up to the knees. The groom usually gets a small tattoo on the palm of his hand.
After the henna tattoos are done, usually there is a festive cocktail where there is plenty of food, drinks, and music. The cocktail can be something simple or more luxurious, depending on what the family and the couple desire, with live bands, DJs, and dance groups with typical performances. This is the most casual and fun part of the Indian wedding with tons of music, dance, and celebrations.
Day 3 - Haldi and the Wedding
Haldi is the ceremony where relatives and friends of the couple apply turmeric to the face and arms of the bride and groom. In the Hindu religion, it is believed that turmeric purifies the body and spirit of the couple, who, free from all evil, will be spiritually pure for the wedding ceremony. It is also a festive moment where there is a band (Dhol) with several drums being beaten at the same time in an upbeat rhythm. It is reminiscent of a brass band but with only drums. And to the sound of the Dhol, guests, and the couple dance and celebrate this moment of joy
THE WEDDING
The wedding itself is divided into two parts, the first part being the Varmala and the second part, the Phera.
Varmala is performed on a stage in front of hundreds of guests from both families. The bride and groom, representing the welcoming of each other into their lives, exchange huge flower garlands with each other. Sometimes the garlands also contain small currency notes along with flowers.
Varmala is followed by hours of photo sessions, with everyone (literally hundreds of guests) wanting to take a picture with the couple and the couple has to politely oblige. And no, you just cannot take a group picture.
Each and every guest wants a separate picture with the couple. After taking pictures with the guests, the photographer wants the couple to pose for a few (hundreds) exclusive pictures as well for the wedding album. It is the most posing and getting clicked that the couple has perhaps done their whole life and after the wedding, they probably don't want to be clicked for at least a month. Not to mention, your mouth is tired from non-stop smiling and posing for pictures. Mind you, while the couple is getting clicked with each and every guest, most likely hungry and tired, the guests are welcome to satisfy their taste buds and savor hundreds of varieties of snacks, main courses, and drinks. After all, India is the land where we believe in the tagline, "Atithi Devo Bhava", which means "Guest is God".
After hours of the photoshoot and standing on the stage, the couple is invited to the dinner table with close family members from both sides and treated to the best delicacies from the menu. The food is served hot and fresh and it is absolutely delicious. Better late than never!
Most of the guests leave after the dinner. Only close family members and friends remain for the second part of the wedding called Phera. The Phera is performed around a small fire fed with natural elements such as butter, coconut, rice, and sawdust. In Hinduism, it is believed that fire purifies the environment and any promise made around the fire is considered pure. The Hindu priest, also called pandit in Hindi, conducts the ritual. During the ritual, the priest recites various mantras and the couple repeats them while also giving advice to the future couple. The family members and friends sit nearby and watch the whole process while the couple and the priest perform the ritual in the middle. Then, the priest ties the bride's veil to a part of the groom's clothing and they take seven rounds around the fire. Each round around the holy fire represents a lifelong promise of loving and supporting each other as man and wife. At the end of the 7 rounds, the couple is considered husband and wife.
The Indian wedding is undoubtedly an event of abundance with many colorful clothes, non-stop dance and music, and tons of food and drinks! It might sound crazy, but as a kid, I remember fasting for an entire day when I was going to someone's wedding with my family. I wanted to leave enough space in my belly to savor all the delicacies available. Anyone who has had the opportunity to witness such a moment knows it is incredible. If you like this post, please leave a comment below and follow us on Instagram @boardingzonethree. Also, if you have had an opportunity to attend an Indian wedding, please leave a comment below to describe your favorite part of the Great Indian Wedding.
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